Being a part of a completely strange and arranged relationship, I felt I have not done enough to sow the seed of love in my that relationship.
I planted my first step, but then did I do anything else to keep that small seedling happy? So that it grows into a thing called love.
I might have done something here and there and then kept myself in an illusion- that the seedling will be watered and nurtured by my partner. Well, he broke my illusion and the pieces were so much that I couldn’t keep the count.
I have no respect for my partner, but where am I wrong in this? Respect is earned. Right? He did nothing, nothing at all and expected me to love and respect him. That is not my version of a perfect relationship. Finally, after contemplating and feeling guilty and frustrated I left my relationship, my so called marriage- hanging.
No, not divorce. According to the society I live in, divorce is not an option. So I again tried to plant another seed and see how this goes.
Months passed, I kept watching. The man sitting in front of me is sitting as he was few months back. Well, he was unemployed last year, he is unemployed this year too. I somehow accepted that this is what it is going to be, but activeness is something a human body requires.
He is nothing but a huge sack, a sack of flour- which requires someone to love it.
I again cried with frustration and anger. Then for a split second, I thought maybe I the one not putting enough effort, so I tried changing my mind-set and decided to give this relationship a second chance.
Months passed again. He was still there, just sitting and giggling at my agony. I wanted to move forward, but he wouldn’t let me. His mother wouldn’t let me. I was frustrated, sick and finally saw myself in a hospital bed.
After a week of suffering in my room alone, I was finally left on the hospital bed- to contemplate and re-think my life’s decision. My permission for this marriage was not a bad decision, or was it? I had this thought my entire hospital stay.
My mother had to come all the way from a different state, to take care of her daughter – solely because, who would. I am her daughter and she should be the one taking care of me.
Right now, which writing this essay, I feel anger and remorse. Nothing else.
Anyways,
After my discharge, I came back, my mother left and again that same routine of mine started and kept continuing. He was pathetic and slow, I was dying inside. Was it so difficult for him to pick up a mood? Could he not understand my anguish and his lack of effort. I am surely going to regret asking this question to myself again and again.
Months passed again- he was yet not tired of sitting and hogging all the edible elements of the house. He might eat my brains too.
Summer, rain, autumn, and then finally winter. A new year, no change, a new day, a new date- yet, no change. 2023 came with ignorance and I had no hope left with my marriage. His vile smiling face was a poison for me. I hated it.
The routine was same, I cooked my in-laws ate and complimented me. I felt pleased, but no-one ever asked me if I had wanted to do something else then cooking. I had to prepare for an exam which was due, because of COVID-19. Before the marriage was fixed, I was presented a dream- a dream that they would help me fulfil my aspirations. After marriage everything was just stagnant. Nothing moved and I was confined in that house.
Sometimes I think, why did I expect them to be my light-bearer? Why couldn’t I just take a step in my own? I am capable of doing the bare minimum. I can do it. I shall move with it.
This thought came a flicker of light in my dead brain.
This was what pushed me to do it. And, I finally did it.
I will not say that I am no longer with him, but I will say that I am away from him. Fulfilling my bare minimum. Contend and somewhat pleased with my self.
We have not talked since a month, and I don’t feel any void. I feel happy, I feel light and I feel like a high- soaring bird.
So, when the topic of putting efforts and doing something for love- I had tried and done my best, he couldn’t respect it. I adjusted, he didn’t. I got sick, he was and is healthy as a bull. So, I might have done something, but my small seedling was sown in a different place. I extracted it out, carefully and with tenderness brought it to it’s right place.

@omernaila910